Saturday, 29 March 2008

Earth Day: Turn on,tune out, buy some candles

In the interest of sanity,reason, intellectual honesty and beating Al Gore to a bloodied death with a chunk of Antarctic ice smuggled into the country up the arse of a whale sympathetic to my cause, I propose a ying to the preposterous yang of something called "earth hour" which starts in New Zealand first at 8.00pm (NZ time).

My
proposal is this. At 8.00pm sharp, when the dolphin loving, Volvo driving, mung bean eating, bearded female, non smoking, non drinking, Leo Dio loving, vegetarian, hairy arm pitted, sandal wearing , finger pointing, lesbian school teachers are sitting in the dark with all their lights out for an hour, playing with the insert appropriate expletive here next to them, I will turn on every light, appliance and electrical device that I can lay my meat eating, chain smoking, 6 litre V8 Holden driving hands on... for two hours.

Even if this Global warming-or Climate Change, as they are now calling it,because the planet is actually cooling-was true, turning the lights off for an hour is actually what is going to happen for real if these climate change junkies get their way and have windmills dotted all over the place and they stop us from using lovely black coal, gas and oil to keep us alive. This is their intention.

In New Zealand, David Parker, Minister for "Climate Change" , bogey men and tooth fairies, proposes that we only build "renewable" power sources from this day on and forget about real sources of energy like hydro and gas.

We do however export coal to other countries and import the same from Indonesia, do those carbon miles get you a new power station when you get to a billion points?

I'm relaxed now in the knowledge that I am going to do my bit tonight to save our collective sanity. If you are flying across Auckland's North Shore, I think you might be able to spot me.

I will be the one with my feet up on the Brazilian rainforest timber table, in the living room, watching BBC4s "The Great Global Warming Swindle", the house humming, with a power surge so immense, I will be able to supply energy to all those lesser folk in their houses with all the lights turned off.

Do the earth a favour then, engage your brain before turning off those sparkly, modern, gas and oil fired wonders, your lights.

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